Let me preface this post with saying I am not even sure why I am writing it. I have no idea what my intentions are, or where I will be taking it. If you don’t care about my personal life, do not waste your time.
No one understands me or what I want. I guess I don’t make it very clear, either. I go into friendships with guys informing them that our relationship will go no further than friends. I do it for them, honestly. If I go into being friends, having slumber parties, spending most of my time with him, he tends to think I want him. If these things lead to hooking up, so be it, but we can still be friends. A girl needs to get some as much as men do. To me, the big thing is honesty. Don’t subtly start “missing” my text messages, or making excuses why you can’t hang out. If you feel like you or I am getting to attached for a friends with benefits ordeal, let’s talk it out. Do you WANT to be involved more than close friends who just so happen to hook up? Is that what I want? I do want to be with someone, but I want it to happen. I don’t want to start seeing someone hoping we are compatible, I’d like to be friends who one day realize how perfect for one another we really are.
I had the most perfect “relationship” with this one boy when I lived in Orlando. We met at some random house party, and before I had gotten home he sent a facebook friend request. He asked me to hangout, and in college life, that means hook up. Whatever, who cares, right? I didn’t. We hungout once, then all the time. We would slumber often, go to school together, laugh, stay up all night, watch movies, cuddle, skip classes to lay in bed for hours longer, hold hands, kiss goodbye...at the end of the day, though, we were still just friends. That was okay. Actually, that was perfect. There were no expectations, nor did he ever distanced himself thinking I was getting “attached.” News flash: NOT ALL FEMALES ARE CLINGY. Maybe 99% of them, but honestly, I think a long distance relationship will be my best bet because I can’t deal with someone 24/7. Obviously, I moved away and that ended. I just hate thinking about it, because it was so perfect.
I hate sleeping alone, and having no one who to talk to and laugh with at the end of the day.
Today was one of the most perfect days I have had in a while. WOD, beach for HOURS(until we ran out of beer), girl talk with Alison & Stubbs, dinner, bath, and now bed.
Yet I still need out. Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends from the gym-Darby, Liz, Alison, Conor, Stubbs, etc. but the relationships I have with them are going nowhere. They are great friends and people, but it would be great to not have to sleep alone every single night.
Sigh, everyone I interact with anymore…well, we have a past. I need someone new. I just don’t know how to meet new people, and then make them understand what I want or need. Sigh.
Alison offered slumbers & cuddles, but we also discussed that neither of us even like our OWN vaginas 24/7….enjoying someone else’s is NOT for us.
Eating clean makes me FULL AND STARVING at the same time. It is a terrible feeling. I think I am just going to take a melatonin and nyquil and sleep until 11am when I have to go workout again. Then I won’t eat…again.
I should
But I dont think I am going to. MY QUADS ARE SO SORE I WANT TO RIP THEM OUT. & ELIZABETH CALLED MY QUADZILLA WHEN I WALKED INTO THE GYM TODAY. They NEED to be torn out.
lets chat. or snapchat…I am new to the whole thing, so I need more of you motherfuckers to send pictures of how awesome my cat, food, and messy room are.
So regionals is this weekend in my town. WOOO!!! Such a fun weekend planned! Friday, laid back drinks with my lova, Alison. Saturday AM wod, the off to regionals/lunch dates/huge cheer sesh with my lover and my gym family then a slumber party, and Sunday will be the final fun-filled day out at regionals, cheering on my steph<3.
Tomorrow, the “regional committee” aka Darby and myself, are making signs and surprise mask faces of steph lol <3 meow just gotta make it through the work week 3 closes & one first cut, and it’s play time again<3
I feel like I have gotten so much better. I have grown to like myself most days, and usually ignore myself in the mirror. As long as I am working out everyday, my WOD times are improving, and I’m getting stronger—- I can convince myself I am satisfied with who I am and where I am.
Then there are days when I look in the mirror and it literally makes me sick. Every inch of me is revolting. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to be with me. I don’t even want to be me.
I will not let the way I feel about myself result in a negative spiral. But really, what the fuck is wrong with me? I thought things were better.
Meow meow. Today was a kick ass day at the gym for this girl. A few PRs, nothing crazy impressive, but bigger lifts than I’ve ever gotten before.
3 fun wods today. In the last 3 days, 3 people have told me they can tell I’ve been eating cleaner. 2 by appearance, 1 by performance. That seriously… I just can’t even explain the feelings.
Meow, overall, great start to my day…even though I slept through my alarm and made it from my bed(sleeping) to the gym in under 20 min haha.
CAN IT PLEASE BE MONDAY NOW? Can I please feel better, so I can workout?!!!
Not only does the pain from my illness make me want to kill myself, but the pain of not being able to work out makes it worse.
Not to mention all the paleo grocery shopping I did, but I can only eat milkshakes and SOMETIMES soup without crying from the pain.
Talk to me tumblr.
Monday, where are you?!
225# on my deadlift today. Then bench pressed 10-1 ended at 90#. I’d say I’m satisfied, for today.
After all this negative shit going on, I’m realizing how thankful I am for my gym, and trainers that I can call friends. Meow. Off to work.
Does it surprise anyone on tumblr I woke up with my period this morning? Didn’t think so.
lol and nowwwww, I am irritable, sore, bloody, and hoping someone just HAPPENS to stab me in my lower abdomen. Thanks. Oh, I’m also INTENSELY craving some junk food. FRENNNCHHHH FRIESSS OMG ajhsbdsijadbs save me. faaaccckkk
Can we please talk about my level of irritability tonight?! Not sure where it came from, but man is it real.
I guess I am a crazy bitch. Sigh.
I cant fucking wait to eat. And read. And workout in the morning. When will my auto correct understand that fuck is, in fact, a word?
