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Home's just a time & place

Ask me anything   Submit   23 year old college student/future nurse, seemingly obsessed with crossfit. Born and raised in South Florida and all I want is a place to call my home.

twitter.com/Hollispaige:

    So tumblr,

    I am not sure if I mentioned, but I moved to Davie, Florida. It’s about an hour South of where I was living. There is so much to say, but I just need to say this.

    I am insecure: emotionally and aesthetically. I attend crossfit because it helps me feel way better about myself, although physically not much has changed. (I’m way stronger than ever, but that is a different post). 

    Well, moving has been expensive. I have looked into new crossfit gyms, and they’re all so expensive. (grant it, I have only been moved for 3 days) The last time I worked out was Wednesday, and I need it. I mentioned to my boyfriend that  I may sign up for a normal gym, a 24 hour gym with free weights, just to be able to workout until I try and decide on a gym. He literally said “no.” I told him it’s pricey for me right now, he offered to pay until I can. When I ask why, he says “it’s not the kind of working out you want” (and he’s right) but he is also INSISTING I find a crossfit. Regardless, this makes me even more insecure physically. I don’t want to ever quit working out, especially lifting. I think I would die before I would give up my strength progress. But WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND FEEL THE NEED TO INSIST I WORKOUT?! 

    Seriously, fit boys of tumblr, I get that he works out and wants his gf to stay fit and continue to make progress, but can he just say that?

    — 1 week ago with 2 notes
    #it kinda sucks  #progress  #male fitblr  #boys help  #personal  #text  #moving  #davie fl  #crossfit  #need a new box 
    Hi tumblr, I know you’re all thinking I don’t exist anymore…

    But things have been really busy lately. I am in classes full time and typically working 6-7 days a week, which has been terrible. Tonight, I am sad. I will come back to my reasons for being sad, but first I will tell you about my spectacular boyfriend because I have yet to give you all the details. 

    His name is Mike, and yes he lifts(most important, obvi). He’s 27 and works for an airline(no he is not a pilot or flight attendant, he is in marketing). He’s so great to me. Our first date was like a movie; we went to dinner(eeekkk my first real date) and then grabbed a bottle of wine and sat on a small private beach and got to know each other. He lives about an hour south, so he had planned on staying up here and booked a hotel in order to hang out the next day. Needless to say, I stayed at the hotel BUT NEEDING TO SAY he didn’t even TRY to have sex with me. There were lots of cute, sweet kisses, cuddles, and talking, but no advancements(which I really appreciate because I can never say no to people, especially people I am trying to impress). The next day he took me on yet another real date. Before we met,(it was kind of a blind date, but we had talked quite a bit) I had told him I am a history nerd…..sooooo, he planed a date to the Flagler Museum(if you’re ever in Palm Beach, it is amazing) and lunch. We have spent a bit of time together since, and he is very good to me. He brings me flowers regularly, he cooks, he is okay with me never wanting to wear real clothes(only gym clothes and underwear), he helps with my psychotic ways, he’s just overall pretty awesome. We are supposed to be leaving for NYC next Wednesday. Which brings me to why I am a sad kitty tonight. 

    So, through his job at the airline he has great benefits. One of which he(and 2 buddies, yearly) fly for free. This year he chose me and his best friend, Daniel. It’s pretty awesome, and we have planned our trip to NYC based on that. Well, his list was supposed to be updated on the first and he went and checked with them Monday because it hadn’t been updated yet; they said friday at the latest. So, it’s Friday and the list isn’t updated in the system. It’s not the end of the world, but it still got me bumming pretty hard, which led me to this negative spiral. 

    I am so insecure. Like, sometimes, I think I am losing myself. Things might get back to where they used to be, and I will despise myself all over again. I am insecure in my relationship, and it’s so childish. I am so thankful that Mike tries to understand, or at least we can talk about it. He always makes me feel better, once I tell him I am insecure. Why would anyone as great as him, settle for someone like me?He constantly tells me I am his prize, and he wins. 

    Right now, school sucks. It’s so busy, work is so busy, and that also has me bummed a little. Don’t get me wrong, I have turned into quite the homebody since my wild times previous to October. I just miss doing things that aren’t homework, sleep, eat, gym. 

    I’m also gearing up to move. Right now I am living at my dads, which is great. He is very easy going, easy to live with, and I pay no bills. I have been working on transferring to FAU for nursing, and that is down south. There is no way I can commute. My job is screwing me over, working me 6,7,8 shifts where I make very little money on those shifts. Being in school full time, I do not have extra time to waste. Before I was in classes, my mentality was “30$ I didn’t have before.” But Now I have to think of it as “that 30$ isn’t worth failing my class or not studying.” My old boss has offered me a great job, ensuring good shifts, at another ale house. I’m working too often, for not enough money. I can’t live stressing like this, and although I will have more bills, I will have a great schedule making money every week. The location will be very close to Mike, as well, and he has promised to help me budget and do my meal prep if I will clean up (: 

    Leaving my current gym will probably be one of the most traumatic experiences I have encountered in a while. Those people are my family. I am not sure a crossfit affiliate will ever win my heart the way the people at my gym now have. I’m willing to give it a shot however, because training is the only thing I do anymore that I love. 

    So tumblr, that is my update. I needed to get it out. NYC is not the only reason I am upset(that would be silly and dramatic), I just don’t want to put it ALL out there. That is, however, what began my spiral this eve. Now you know about my boyfriend, and plans for the next few months. 

    ps idk why I write all these things, no one reads my tumblr anyhow. lol I guess I just needed to have it in writing, because I am feeling slightly better.

    i could use help finding an affiliate down south (: 

    — 2 months ago with 8 notes
    #personal  #text  #crossfit  #south florida crossfit  #need new box  #moving  #boyfriend  #update 
    Moms a sad kitty tonight. Its nights like these when I wish I were actually a cat. It’s nights like these when I question every decision I make, and want to quit everything. Maybe I’m insane. 😿 #personal #sadkitty #ispendfridaynightsquestioningmylife

    Moms a sad kitty tonight. Its nights like these when I wish I were actually a cat. It’s nights like these when I question every decision I make, and want to quit everything. Maybe I’m insane. 😿 #personal #sadkitty #ispendfridaynightsquestioningmylife

    — 2 months ago with 3 notes
    #personal  #ispendfridaynightsquestioningmylife  #sadkitty 

    I miss my boyfriend. And our trip to nyc might get canceled because of his job :( we find out Monday. Nothing like last minute. I’m a sad kitty.

    Not to mention my Friday nights are spent studying. Every time. I have no life.

    — 2 months ago
    #sad kitty  #meow  #nyc  #personal  #text 
    whywhywhyyyy

    am I the most insecure person in the world?!!! My boyfriend is so great, and so good to me…..YET I SPEND ALL MY THOUGHTS AND TIME THINKING HE MIGHT SECRETLY HATE ME. 

    WTF?! FIX ME PLEASE?

    — 2 months ago with 4 notes
    #FIX ME  #please  #help  #personal  #text  #this is why i am always single 

    Not only am I having an anxiety attack about that speech class and GOING TO CLASS AND HAVING TO SOCIALIZE every day until classes start…..
    I just had to put out 350$ for the first payment of classes on the 12th, the second one is due Thursday, AND i need to buy text books.


    WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THIS KINDA MONEY?! WHY DOES THE GOVERNMENT HATE ME? Is all I want is to graduate college and have a big girl job.

    Anyone wanna fund my college? The government sure as shit doesn’t….

    — 4 months ago with 2 notes
    #college  #growing up sucks  #anxiety  #meow  #personal  #anyone wanna fund my college  #or buy me a text book or 4 
    Still not quite understanding,

    why I am not “girlfriend” material. Like, is what I am doing the equivalent of guys being “friend zoned.” 
    There is seeming to be a pattern here, like I am honest of what I want/what will happen from the start. “We can be friends who hookup, and thats AWESOME. We’ll see where it goes.”
    This was very successful before, yet the past few “friends with benefits” lose the friend part and end up with serious girlfriends THAT ARENT ME. Oh you know, a day or two after they were BEGGING me to come “hang out.”
    I am NOT against being involved in an actual relationship with someone, however I will NOT go into hooking up with someone expecting something out of it. That is how you end up hurt. 

    I’m fun, easy going, and cute enough to hook up with. Idk if this makes sense at all but WHY AM I NOT DATEABLE?!

    — 4 months ago with 6 notes
    #gr  #annoying  #FOREVER ALONE  #friend zone  #personal  #text  #what is a bf 

    If you spend your entire night staring at me, even venture far enough to ask me for a hug, ASK ME FOR MY NUMBER. Seriously, guys, like hzisbgaojaoaohfdopwl so annoyed

    — 4 months ago with 2 notes
    #annoying  #boyswillbeboys  #justask  #tonight  #meow  #current  #personal  #text 
    You’ll all stop unfollowing me, but I cant help the way my brain works.

    Sometimes I force myself into my dark place. 
    I don’t do it on purpose, but it makes me realize how much things change. 
    Even the things you swore you’d never allow to change. 
    People leave. Well, they leave me, at least. 
    My plan was to lay down, read a book, with these candles and dim lights; yet, the taste of these teas remind me of my only ex boyfriend and the candles and christmas lights bring memories of my bestfriend who had no choice but to move home. 
    Then it brings me to drinking tea as a substitute for eating, and how Nicholas and I would get so excited with talks of moving to the cold so we would never eat, only drink hot coffee and tea to satisfy the hunger pains we desperately wanted and needed to feel. 
    I begin to think of where I am now, and how beneficial it would be to starve now. Starve, drink tea, and run again. How it would be so messy in my head again, but hell, someone, something would be in my mind encouraging me, helping me. 
    I constantly swear I no longer workout for my aesthetics, and that is the truth. I should never have allowed myself to get so comfortable with how I look, though. 
    Maybe, just maybe, if I would have kept running, kept drinking hot tea, kept shooting for skinny, no one would have left. 
    Not Alex. Not Nicholas. Not Samantha. Not Shelby. Maybe not a single person running through my awful thoughts at this hour would have fucking left me, if I hadn’t given up on being skinny. 

    — 4 months ago with 2 notes
    #gr  #where is this coming from  #idk whats wrong with me  #personal  #text  #vent  #ed  #eating disorder  #skinny 

    I want to find my love for running again. 

    I was just looking at older pictures from before I moved to Orlando, and before I started crossfit. I actually considered myself a runner. Now, I loathe running; it seems to cause more pain than do any good.  I loved it, the same way I love crossfit. I want to love them both. WODs and my gym make me happy, but I’m not sure if theyre as freeing as running. 

    — 5 months ago with 3 notes
    #personal  #running 

    I make myself sick when looking at you.

    Today has been nothing but a downer for me. Woke up to bad news, rushed around, realized that everyone leaves me, allowed someone back, and now I can’t sleep because I am lurking you on social networks making myself sick. What do you have that I don’t?? And I always try to figure out why I’m so fucked up.

    — 5 months ago
    #personal  #text  #roughday  #emotional 

    Although that post isn’t about me, I’m not exactly a great person. I’ve come to the realization that everyone I have ever cared about has left me.

    Not exactly having a good or emotionally stable day.

    — 5 months ago
    #personal  #text  #emotionally unstable  #rough day  #youre all ive got tumblr 

    Monday with a period is, like, the worst thing ever. However, it does mean I can stop imagining the changes in my life if I were pregnant. Lol On a different note, someone rip out my uterus—-thanks.

    — 5 months ago with 1 note
    #personal  #text  #monday 

    I’m also about to let my crazy out on this guy, lol. Like, I was TRYING to hang out so we can talk in person(after this girl gets what she wants) BUT, DESPITE SAYING YEAH LETS HANG LATER YOU DONT FEEL ITS NECESSARY TO LET ME KNOW WHEN YOURE OFF WORK ?! 

    IS THIS BULLSHIT FOR REAL? MAN UP, AND TURN ME DOWN OR HANG OUT. FUUUUCCCKKKK. 

    — 6 months ago with 2 notes
    #TEXT  #personal  #maybe i am crazy  #he doesnt even know that  #my crazy is showing 

    alsooooo, now that I have to wait for next week for the LAST dexter ever…what should I watch?! I wanna read a book, but my eyes hurt tonight. 

    help a sista out, tumblr! What should we watch?!!!!

    — 7 months ago with 1 note
    #help  #personal  #text  #yup  #meow  #bored  #you could ask me things  #or we could chat