Showing posts tagged personal.

Home's just a time & place

Ask me anything   Submit   23 year old college student/future nurse, seemingly obsessed with crossfit. Born and raised in South Florida and all I want is a place to call my home.

    I can’t say enough how nice it is that you don’t smell like Michael. And that my bed smells like you.

    And that you kiss me like you want me, not when I ask you to kiss me.

    — 1 month ago with 1 note
    #meow  #personal  #text 

    So I went on a date last night.

    It was nice to laugh. It was nice to kiss someone who wasn’t Michael.

    It was especially nice to not go home and dream of Michael.

    — 1 month ago
    #personal  #meow  #date  #text 

    I just don’t understand what made me not worth loving, or trying to love even. I was the perfect gf.
    Like why it was never worth giving it everything for him, but some bitch he used to know and bumped into at an airport is?! What did she do so right that I did so wrong?

    I am not in love with you because I didn’t think you were ready for that. But I think we could’ve and should’ve been something great. Why wasn’t i fucking worth falling for?

    — 1 month ago with 1 note
    #personal  #text  #sad  #never worth it 

    For a split second, you never existed or changed my life in any way.

    What a sad second that was.

    — 1 month ago with 1 note
    #personal  #text  #I miss you  #i don't wanna miss you 

    It’s fucked up when you need medication to sleep and medication to get the fuck out of bed.
    When will this end?

    — 2 months ago
    #fuck  #sleep problems  #personal  #text 
    I promise Ill be as strong as I can be.

    So tumblr, it’s officially time for the break up post. After a long weekend of ‘giving him space to see what is the best option’ he called today and said ‘i don’t think its a good option for us to be together right now.’ 

    School starts in a week. My birthday is in under a month. This is terrible timing, but it was not my choice. It is NOT what I want. Before Michael, I had never had a boyfriend. I had accepted my fate of being forever alone.  I didn’t even want to be with him, but there was something there. It’s still there, buried in his unhappy home life and our busy schedules. It sucks, and I hope it sucks for him. Just a little. I’ve been crying a lot, which is unlike me. I’m stronger than this. I am strong enough to accept my fate as alone forever, I can deal with being dumped. 

    I don’t want to hear about what a great, beautiful person I am. That he is missing out. I don’t want him to miss out, I just want him to miss me. I wish my friends would accept that I am right. He SAYS he wants to stay friends, but I feel like that means something different to him than it does to me. We had a lot of plans coming up, and I hope he will still want to participate. I mean, we can at least try going to crush games sunday and see how it goes. It will be difficult for me to not reach for his hand, or kiss him when I see him. It will however, be better to keep him in my life. 

    I think that is what I fear most, losing him entirely. Everything reminds me of him. He got me my last gym shoes. We bought my bar blade on our very first, most perfect date imaginable. Wilsons favorite blanket is his blanket. He also surprised me with my last pre-workout. He pushed me to find a crossfit gym after I moved here, when I was so scared to go alone. His toothbrush and body wash in my shower. He is the first person I want to share my accomplishments with(like my twelve unbroken dubs today, followed by nine more). I don’t think this list will ever end. Every little thing I do, every single day relates to michael is some way. I’m afraid he doesn’t actually want to be friends, only civil. I want to be real friends, who call each other regularly. Who DO share accomplishments. Who text all the time. He said that’s what he wanted, but I think he just said it. Today, something sounded different. I guess only time will tell. 

    The situation I am in right now, it really sucks. However, I couldn’t have asked for a better first relationship. I think we were both scared, and neither of us ever talked about those things. He mentioned that we weren’t giving ourselves a fair shot and I don’t think he has ever been so accurate about anything. Maybe, eventually, something will workout for us. Even if it is just friends. Like I said, I am scared of losing my friend more than anything. I am thankful that my first ex boyfriend was such great person, who allowed me to grow and learn how to be with someone. A great person who helped me in every way anytime he could. He made me better and want to be even better. 

    Alright tumblr, I have a long day tomorrow. I’ll probably be around a lot more these days, seeing as I won’t be cuddling anyone in my late nights awake. Or I could be around less, because school is starting and the gym has been and will be my best and only therapy through all of this. If anything, this will motivate me even more to stay in the gym 2xs a day. Crossfit with some extra cardio. 

    — 2 months ago
    #goodnight  #personal  #text  #breakup  #it sucks  #i got dumped  #first boyfriend  #sad  #but thankful 

    meow so i am making another tumblr more related to my goals with eating/gym. I would love a lot of y’all to follow that one too, but not all of you. Message me for the link, I guess. 

    I will not be deleting this blog. 

    — 3 months ago with 1 note
    #meow  #personal  #new blog  #message  #fitblr  #not really  #but more for me to motivate myself 

    Seeing as I have no one to talk to about this, here goes nothing tumblr. 

    Michael has been back in the US since 2 pm today. I have received two texts both saying”I’m at Newark,” THATS IT. His sister has been communicating with the friend he is with, apparently his phone is dead and he should be home within the hour. Not the point of this post. 

    He was on tinder while he was gone. like. what. i know because that is how we met, and sometimes I will redownload the app to read our very first messages. Well tonight when I did, it showed him active on tinder yesterday in rome. 

    I just don’t understand. I am beyond upset. I was coping with not seeing him tonight as it was, but now this?! I don’t even know what to do. 

    — 3 months ago with 1 note
    #sadkitty  #meow  #personal  #text 

    Meh. Mike leaves at 645 am for Spain tomorrow until the 2nd(possibly). We haven’t spent more than 3 nights apart since we met, I don’t think. I am supposed to be at his house in 15 minutes, but I don’t want to go because I don’t want him to see me cry. 

    Idk who this crazy person talking is, maybe it’s my period or birth control or idk but all these feelings are bizarre. 

    I am not even sure he likes me half the time, but I just don’t want him to be a world away for so long. wah. 

    — 4 months ago with 1 note
    #sadkitty  #boyfriend  #personal  #text  #what are feelings  #who is this girl blogging 
    So tumblr,

    I am not sure if I mentioned, but I moved to Davie, Florida. It’s about an hour South of where I was living. There is so much to say, but I just need to say this.

    I am insecure: emotionally and aesthetically. I attend crossfit because it helps me feel way better about myself, although physically not much has changed. (I’m way stronger than ever, but that is a different post). 

    Well, moving has been expensive. I have looked into new crossfit gyms, and they’re all so expensive. (grant it, I have only been moved for 3 days) The last time I worked out was Wednesday, and I need it. I mentioned to my boyfriend that  I may sign up for a normal gym, a 24 hour gym with free weights, just to be able to workout until I try and decide on a gym. He literally said “no.” I told him it’s pricey for me right now, he offered to pay until I can. When I ask why, he says “it’s not the kind of working out you want” (and he’s right) but he is also INSISTING I find a crossfit. Regardless, this makes me even more insecure physically. I don’t want to ever quit working out, especially lifting. I think I would die before I would give up my strength progress. But WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND FEEL THE NEED TO INSIST I WORKOUT?! 

    Seriously, fit boys of tumblr, I get that he works out and wants his gf to stay fit and continue to make progress, but can he just say that?

    — 6 months ago with 2 notes
    #it kinda sucks  #progress  #male fitblr  #boys help  #personal  #text  #moving  #davie fl  #crossfit  #need a new box 
    Hi tumblr, I know you’re all thinking I don’t exist anymore…

    But things have been really busy lately. I am in classes full time and typically working 6-7 days a week, which has been terrible. Tonight, I am sad. I will come back to my reasons for being sad, but first I will tell you about my spectacular boyfriend because I have yet to give you all the details. 

    His name is Mike, and yes he lifts(most important, obvi). He’s 27 and works for an airline(no he is not a pilot or flight attendant, he is in marketing). He’s so great to me. Our first date was like a movie; we went to dinner(eeekkk my first real date) and then grabbed a bottle of wine and sat on a small private beach and got to know each other. He lives about an hour south, so he had planned on staying up here and booked a hotel in order to hang out the next day. Needless to say, I stayed at the hotel BUT NEEDING TO SAY he didn’t even TRY to have sex with me. There were lots of cute, sweet kisses, cuddles, and talking, but no advancements(which I really appreciate because I can never say no to people, especially people I am trying to impress). The next day he took me on yet another real date. Before we met,(it was kind of a blind date, but we had talked quite a bit) I had told him I am a history nerd…..sooooo, he planed a date to the Flagler Museum(if you’re ever in Palm Beach, it is amazing) and lunch. We have spent a bit of time together since, and he is very good to me. He brings me flowers regularly, he cooks, he is okay with me never wanting to wear real clothes(only gym clothes and underwear), he helps with my psychotic ways, he’s just overall pretty awesome. We are supposed to be leaving for NYC next Wednesday. Which brings me to why I am a sad kitty tonight. 

    So, through his job at the airline he has great benefits. One of which he(and 2 buddies, yearly) fly for free. This year he chose me and his best friend, Daniel. It’s pretty awesome, and we have planned our trip to NYC based on that. Well, his list was supposed to be updated on the first and he went and checked with them Monday because it hadn’t been updated yet; they said friday at the latest. So, it’s Friday and the list isn’t updated in the system. It’s not the end of the world, but it still got me bumming pretty hard, which led me to this negative spiral. 

    I am so insecure. Like, sometimes, I think I am losing myself. Things might get back to where they used to be, and I will despise myself all over again. I am insecure in my relationship, and it’s so childish. I am so thankful that Mike tries to understand, or at least we can talk about it. He always makes me feel better, once I tell him I am insecure. Why would anyone as great as him, settle for someone like me?He constantly tells me I am his prize, and he wins. 

    Right now, school sucks. It’s so busy, work is so busy, and that also has me bummed a little. Don’t get me wrong, I have turned into quite the homebody since my wild times previous to October. I just miss doing things that aren’t homework, sleep, eat, gym. 

    I’m also gearing up to move. Right now I am living at my dads, which is great. He is very easy going, easy to live with, and I pay no bills. I have been working on transferring to FAU for nursing, and that is down south. There is no way I can commute. My job is screwing me over, working me 6,7,8 shifts where I make very little money on those shifts. Being in school full time, I do not have extra time to waste. Before I was in classes, my mentality was “30$ I didn’t have before.” But Now I have to think of it as “that 30$ isn’t worth failing my class or not studying.” My old boss has offered me a great job, ensuring good shifts, at another ale house. I’m working too often, for not enough money. I can’t live stressing like this, and although I will have more bills, I will have a great schedule making money every week. The location will be very close to Mike, as well, and he has promised to help me budget and do my meal prep if I will clean up (: 

    Leaving my current gym will probably be one of the most traumatic experiences I have encountered in a while. Those people are my family. I am not sure a crossfit affiliate will ever win my heart the way the people at my gym now have. I’m willing to give it a shot however, because training is the only thing I do anymore that I love. 

    So tumblr, that is my update. I needed to get it out. NYC is not the only reason I am upset(that would be silly and dramatic), I just don’t want to put it ALL out there. That is, however, what began my spiral this eve. Now you know about my boyfriend, and plans for the next few months. 

    ps idk why I write all these things, no one reads my tumblr anyhow. lol I guess I just needed to have it in writing, because I am feeling slightly better.

    i could use help finding an affiliate down south (: 

    — 8 months ago with 8 notes
    #personal  #text  #crossfit  #south florida crossfit  #need new box  #moving  #boyfriend  #update 
    Moms a sad kitty tonight. Its nights like these when I wish I were actually a cat. It’s nights like these when I question every decision I make, and want to quit everything. Maybe I’m insane. 😿 #personal #sadkitty #ispendfridaynightsquestioningmylife

    Moms a sad kitty tonight. Its nights like these when I wish I were actually a cat. It’s nights like these when I question every decision I make, and want to quit everything. Maybe I’m insane. 😿 #personal #sadkitty #ispendfridaynightsquestioningmylife

    — 8 months ago with 3 notes
    #personal  #ispendfridaynightsquestioningmylife  #sadkitty 

    I miss my boyfriend. And our trip to nyc might get canceled because of his job :( we find out Monday. Nothing like last minute. I’m a sad kitty.

    Not to mention my Friday nights are spent studying. Every time. I have no life.

    — 8 months ago
    #sad kitty  #meow  #nyc  #personal  #text 

    am I the most insecure person in the world?!!! My boyfriend is so great, and so good to me…..YET I SPEND ALL MY THOUGHTS AND TIME THINKING HE MIGHT SECRETLY HATE ME. 


    — 8 months ago with 4 notes
    #FIX ME  #please  #help  #personal  #text  #this is why i am always single 

    Not only am I having an anxiety attack about that speech class and GOING TO CLASS AND HAVING TO SOCIALIZE every day until classes start…..
    I just had to put out 350$ for the first payment of classes on the 12th, the second one is due Thursday, AND i need to buy text books.

    WHERE THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THIS KINDA MONEY?! WHY DOES THE GOVERNMENT HATE ME? Is all I want is to graduate college and have a big girl job.

    Anyone wanna fund my college? The government sure as shit doesn’t….

    — 10 months ago with 2 notes
    #college  #growing up sucks  #anxiety  #meow  #personal  #anyone wanna fund my college  #or buy me a text book or 4